Author’s note:
I am republishing this article because a number of visitors are being pointed to my site related to the topic of domestic violence. I have not written extensively on my experience with domestic violence because healing takes time. We endured a lot of pain. I anticipate writing more specifics about our ordeal someday. It would not be graphic details about what my abuser did to me, but what God did for me and my children in our deliverance. There is life after abuse. God set this captive free!!! He blessed me with a new life with a tender, compassionate, and understanding husband who has played a key role in my healing and my children’s. We are in the process of rebuilding a new life that is distinctive and joy filled. Gone are the days where I wake up to screaming, shouting and demeaning comments. They have been replaced with wonderful music composed by my husband. There is laughter and romance. The joy in our home is real. It is geninune. No more hiding behind a fake smile or keeping secrets about rage. God has restored my life out of the wasteplaces, out of the ashes and rubble.
I remember the days when his voice would boom behind me. Accusations bounced from wall to wall about my inadequate capabilities. He ultimately concluded I was a worthless wife. He shouted his conclusion in front of all the children. Sometimes I would see the terror and fear in my children’s eyes. How far would daddy go this time? Would he throw mommy into the wall again? Or would he cover her mouth and nose with his hand to shut her up causing her to gasp for air? Perhaps he exhaust his rage on big brother with brutal blows where ever they would land? Maybe he would choke big brother again. We never knew what his rage would bring from moment to moment, from day to day.
It has been over two years since I heard the insults screamed at me. Two long years since I saw my oldest child pinned to the floor receiving blows to the head and face. Over twenty four months since I had to worry about what kind of mood he was in when he came home and how to prevent the inevitable release of rage. The day-to-day abuse ended. Let me give you a picture of what life was like the day the abuse stopped.
The first few months after I turned the to courts the war began. I aroused a sleeping dragon. He will not rest until his fiery breath of revenge has charred my life. Anyone who has lived with domestic violence knows it is a cardinal sin to put your foot down with a batterer. But, I had to do it. The violence grew worse. There were death threats, scars, broken bones, and the need for physical therapy to recover from injuries. So, I asked the civil courts to restrain him. The outcome of involving the civil courts resulted in dread and fear.
I dreaded checking the mail. Almost every day I received notification of legal action advancing with great force. He filed for divorce. Eventually, he sought custody of the children. Ultimately, this war meant I could lose everything. Walking to the mail box became a horrifying experience. My chest would tighten, my palms would sweat. I would open the letters and feel as though I had been dealt a new kind of blow. Before, I asked him to leave I took the abuse in person. Now he had a new tool: the legal system. I dreaded checking the mail. Yes, I dreaded answering the door. Throughout that year, police officers arrived often delivering me one subpoena after another for my appearance in court. There were over thirty court hearings when I stopped counting. This left little time to care for the children or the farm that year. The result of the court process was dread, fear and horrific pain. The initial abuse was bad enough. The civil court experience felt worse then the abuse.
The abuse was private. It occurred in the confines of my home. The court action gave him an audience to which he delighted in. Now legal processes provided him with the opportunity to humiliate me publicly. Accusations flew faster than I could absorb. I was crazy. I feigned the abuse to make money off the internet. Along with this scheme I made up his battle with cancer too. I made up my step-dad’s death all for profit. The pain of mocking my dad’s untimely death cut through me like a knife. They would stop at nothing to terrorize me. Recently, I stood looking at his tombstone wishing that I had made it up and that he was still here. How could they stoop so low as to mock my dad’s death? My advocate told me not to take it personally, it was just the job for the criminal lawyer. They searched my background and went twelve to twenty years into the past when I was a fool and an unbeliever and dredged up the skeletons in my closet. They paraded them around the court room, while I sat in horror. To this day, I pass the court houses and anxiety sweeps over me. The result of the criminal court trial was dread and fear.
Once the divorce was final and the criminal trial plea bargained away, I left the state of Kansas in search of refuge, restoration and healing. The mail slowed down and later stopped. But, it was replaced by emails from a legal representative of the judge.
Today, I live in fear most of the time. Will he find me? If he finds me, how far will he go? How deep is this pathos of battering? Will he kill me? Will he kill the kids? I live with economic hardship of having to pay for ongoing legal involvement. Can I afford to keep protecting my children? How high will the legal bill get before my youngest child turns eighteen? I have read countless stories of women like me who suffer for years because they were abused. Then they stop the abuse only to suffer continual attacks through the family court system. Some of them are in court protecting their children for fourteen plus years.
A few months ago, I complained to a friend about the quality of my life. The fear is so real. The exhaustion is intense. How can I face tomorrow? Why are my children’s lives in the hands of courts? What will happen to them? Truthfully the quality of my life is not very good when I narrowly focus on what I described above. Which is worse? The abuse or living in constant dread and fear. Will I go bankrupt trying to ward off the battles he continually launches?
Victims of domestic violence face insurmountable barriers. Some women leave their violent partner multiple times only to return. It baffles police, judges, and other professionals. Those who do finally make the break live their lives heavily entrenched in litigation. Yet, the same professionals do very little to protect the women and children once they leave even when evidence is clear that child abuse occured. Courts often become the tools of batterers. Custody battles become gruesome and financially devastating. The future for us looks dismal with this narrow focus.
Sunday, God broaden my focus. As I reflected on the past two years, I saw one triumph after another. Yes, I lived in anguish and fear. But, God delivered me from my oppressor. Sometimes He would not answer my cry until the absolute last minute after I had exhausted all my energy trying to solve the problem on my own. Why would an all powerful God, a God who can raise the dead, wait to save his people until they are nose to nose, face to face, with their enemy? It is in this moment that we recognize our helplessness, and that we can’t fight the enemy on our own. He arrives to save His people in the most uncanny way. Then there is no doubt that it is truly God who delivered His people.
My deliverance was exactly this way. Many times the answer to prayer was humanly unachievable, but God worked in providential ways to achieve it. For example, the judge allowed me sole legal custody which does not happen in our county anymore. In fact, my lawyer and the domestic violence advocate told me, “You won’t get sole legal custody. They just don’t award that anymore”. The judge gave me sole legal custody. The judge granted me permission to leave the state to get a fresh start. This too is an unusual ruling. Each step of the way God demonstrated the fulfillment of the promise “I will save your children” as found in Isaiah 49:25.
This Sunday at church we sang Bill Gaither’s song “Because He lives”. We sang it Sunday morning and Sunday evening. God really wanted to get my attention. It is easy to get caught up in the fear, terror, and assess that the quality of my life is poor.
As we sang this song, I reflected back over the past two years and I realized that God walked intimately with me through the darkness. He lifted me up and carried me when I could not stand. He came to my rescue sometimes waiting till I thought the enemy had gained victory over me.
Because He lives all the fear I face related to domestic violence is gone. Should I die, I will enter in God’s presence. So what effect will domestic violence have on my soul? NONE. Because he lives, I can face tomorrow. Everything that is happening to me now first passed through his hands. He holds the future. By knowing Christ and examining my suffering through a biblical perspective, I don’t have to dread anything. Even better, because I know He holds the future, there is not one thing to dread. Life is worth living because He lives.
Often times I forget Christ lives today. He is an active King who rules from the right hand of God. His reign affects our lives today. He providentially works in our lives for our good and His glory so that all people will know He is God.
The benefits of Christ’s resurrection doesn’t just apply to victims of domestic violence. We all have fear. We all have dread. Some nights we ache and wonder how we are going to face tomorrow. We wonder who is in charge of this mess we call life. The hope I have, the truth God spoke to me through this song isn’t just for me. It is for you too. There will be a final war with pain and there will be victory for those who belong to Him. You can face tomorrow. Life is worth living … because He lives!!!
Udderly His,
The Kansas Milkmaid
Wednesday, 6. May 2009
My heart goes out to you, and prayers for your safety in days to come!! I am so glad you have moved to a new place and have support there!! HE IS ABLE TO DELIVER US!! Living or not, we know HE will still be with us!! It is very hard to understand why we have to walk hard paths in this life. But surely someday it will all be clear to us.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Thursday, 7. May 2009
My heart goes out to you and your children. Your courage and bravery astound me. We continue to pray for you all. xx
Thursday, 7. May 2009
Christina, I found tears coming down my checks while reading your letter today. The first tears were of anguish and sorrow for you and the children.. I’m thinking the
last tears were of gladness in that you have experienced God’s goodness and can sing with joy in your heart. Praise the Lord!
Thursday, 7. May 2009
Mary:
You were one of God’s comforts to me during those really rough days. I remember opening the mail and reading the scripture you wrote to encourage me. It was so relevant to my struggle. What’s more is that someone from the far corners of the United States would write me using the same scripture. When God moves two different people to share the same scripture I know that God really wants to make a point.
Thank you for your ongoing support.
Christina
Thursday, 7. May 2009
Dear Christina,
Sending you hugs, tears, prayers, and gratitude for your powerful witness!
In His Love,
Meg
Friday, 8. May 2009
Powerful and inspirational story–thanks for sharing. God Bless you.
Sunday, 17. May 2009
Christina,
So glad to hear you are making soap again. What a joy for you to see the rows of soap drying. Praise God for His gifts! Homemade granola sounds good — would you mind sharing your recipe? Also, can you suggest where to find a decent scale to weigh flour etc.? I have always been drawn to the Amish/Mennonite way of life–how would I find the nearest communities to me? I live in the UP of Michigan near the Wisconsin border. Thanks for your time and you sharing your life. God has blessed me through you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Soli Deo Gloria! Elizabeth
Sunday, 17. May 2009
Elizabeth:
I am away from home right now and will be for the better part of the week. We are enjoying a fantasitic field trip and mini-vacation. I don’t have my granola recipe at hand, but it is a very basic recipe with oil, honey, oats, cinnamon, vanilla and the like. You could probably google granola and get the same type of recipe quicker than waiting on me.
I use a salter scale. I googled it and it is a nice litttle digital scale. I use it for soap making, weighing chickens, and flour. It is handy and good.
I know that Amish mennonites are scattered in about every state. They have a very good network. My local friends have a directory of all the plain folks nationwide. You could use google and then ask those local if they know of people close to you. The plain people have been a tremendous blessing to my family. I thank God often for their kindness and friendship.
Christina
Wednesday, 9. December 2009
What a touching story that I’m sure other survivors can relate to you.
Thank you for taking the time to write it.
Tuesday, 12. January 2010
How do we help the women who don’t get sole custody? who are forced to hand their children over to violent, unstable abusers? who live in fear each time that this will be the last time they will ever see their children again?
It is probably a rhetorical question, but more people need to know what goes on - and how child welfare departments refuse to investigate abuse of children in the family court system - claiming it is up to the court to investigate - and they of course do not.
Wednesday, 19. May 2010
It’s crazy to know that all this was going on and I didn’t even suspect a thing. What are the signs that people should look for in friends families?
Wednesday, 19. May 2010
Sometimes it is hard to tell there is domestic violence going on behind closed doors. Victims often try to hide it because it is humiliting and it minimizes some of the violence. If you read reports in the news about homocides occuring, sometimes neighbors will be shocked because they didn’t suspect it.
When I shared our battle publicly in May of 2007. There were people who were shocked. However, there were customers who had been in our home and around the children’s father when he was home and they were not surprised. Those who picked up on it were those who had experienced abuse in their lives or had been well acquainted with it through other friends. For example, Amanda and George were well aware and tried to talk to me about it many times. I ignored them because after separating from him twice an elder counseled me to go back to him because God hated divorce and to give 110 percent and I would have a good marriage. I didn’t want the wrath of God against me for divorcing him. Also, I committed to not talking unfavorably about him. I talked to no one about what was going on the last ten years. I went to an extreme and built him up in front of others to a point of creating harm for us. I thought if I just built him up enough he would stop insulting me and tearing me down or being out right abusive. It was the 110 percent premise. I put on a smile and created the marriage and family I dreamed of having to cope. It was not real and a lie. By the time I filed for the restraining order, I felt telling people about the abuse was dishonoring to him. I took blame for his abusive qualities and carried the humiliation. The criminal trial didn’t help because some of the defense was based on the notion that I was a bad wife and Andrew was a bad kid and a normal average person would lose their cool if they had to deal with us. Not a helpful thing. It is never okay to break the law because someone is hard to deal with. If that were widely accepted then it would be socially acceptable to murder a person who got on your nerves.
I spent a lot of time trying to cover it up and made lots of excuses when abusive behavior surfaced. One thing that happened in front of others was that I was insulted a lot. I usually cast it aside joking and brushed it off by making fun of myself. In fact, when one woman called me and confronted me about the abuse, I tried to make excuses but she knew enough that I could not hide it. Another typical sign is isolation. Your mom saw more indicators and thought the signs were strange but never said anything to me until after the restraining order was filed. He was more tolerant of your family coming around than most families. I am not sure why, but generally we did not have a lot of company or associate with others a lot on an extended basis. I generally tried to get customers on their way fast when he was home because there were more chances for uncomfortable and embarassing things to happen. I wasn’t always successful and sometimes there were some very uncomfortable experiences.
I think one thing your mom picked up on was that fact that my name was not on the checkings account and I had to ask for a check to be signed to get some groceries. She also noted that we didn’t get out much.
Domestic violence and abuse is a difficult phenomenon to assess. Recently in MO there has been an initiative to identify at risk families. I am not sure what kind of assessment tool they are using but it has created an epidemic increase in women going to shelters in the metropolis. They are out of beds and to capacity on counseling and staff.
In truth, I rationalized alot of it away and coped by saying I should submit as a Christian woman. Since getting out of the abuse, surrounding myself with healthy families, and being in a healthy relationship, I realized how wrong it was to stay as long as I did. It somtimes shocks me how much we all endured. When I complained about the treatment, I was told this was normal and the grass is always greener on the other side. The behavior was not normal. It was unacceptable, against the law, and most people in their right mind do not treat their wife and children that way. Even if the child or wife do things wrong, it is never acceptable to beat, berate, bully or abuse in any way.
Today, I enjoy a tremendous relationship with a man who lives out the truth of scripture. He tenderly washes me in the word. He constantly praises me even when I fail. When frustrated with me, he prays with me and holds me. He says he believes in me and knows that if I feel love and encouragement I will continue to grow to be all Christ wants me to be. He deals with my children and had an opportunity to deal with Andrew. Never once did he yell, berate, choke or punch him. He let him know he was loved by Christ and what the expectations were. Violence and force is not required to get results from people.
I have considered launching a website on domestic violence. It would be helpful to educate more people about it. Or just to share our experience and how God carried us through the difficult times. I find it difficult to talk about what happened because while it was a very bad situation, Brian is still the children’s father. It requires careful balance to point out someone’s sinful behavior in a Christlike way. I am not a spiteful person and don’t feel sharing other’s weakness is beneficial. However, I know that for those who are walking through the pain of domestic violence, they need to have hope that God will care for them through the crisis. This article touched a little on the pain we suffered but the hope that has helped us through the pain.
Christina
Saturday, 22. May 2010
Hello, I was looking for how to repair and maintain a wringer washer and was led to your site. Your devotions and articles so inspirational. I recently relocted to Pa led by our Lord. Family here, no but Jesus is. I too am wanting to go back to simpler. He has me as His witness oh how His hand has totally been in this move. Since 2003. Our Lord has allowed a Rescue Ministry where ones bring animals that have been abused neglected. He provides the funds for care, oh He provides so wonderfullyf or alll of us. The children would learn through Rescue Ministry and I could tell them of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Animals that are not adopted out have a forever home here and lots and lots of love. I am trying to get the gardens going, have a couple of milk goats for which I pray not only the milk but to make cheese, butter, soap.
Moving here, ones from church assisted but much was left behind including all my cook books, that is okay though for He sent what I needed oh the testimonies in just this move alone. So if I may ask from you, all recipes using from the garden the goats the chickens (no meat please - at least not them) I love to crochet, knit cross stitch again all left behind. You know when we look at the back of the cross stitch we have done, it reflects how our life was, knoted, jumbled, a mess. On the other side a beautiful picture as we are when we accept Jesus Christ.Yes I trust Him totally. This house is His to use as He wills, as He has me. It is large for just me, I pray that if missionaries, Pastors, or ones who just need a place, that they will come. Be it His will. A place of comfort and healing. I pray for you. I pray too for all the exs out there, so much they are missing without Jesus. I want non to perish, am I saying they are not saved, no but how can a follower of Christ hurt another so. Bless you bless you all for the strength you have to share that can encourage other women and yes men to leave the abuse.
walking in faith
marilyn holter
Monday, 24. May 2010
Marilyn:
Thank you for your encouragement and prayers. I will try to post recipes as I go or point people to books that have similar recipes.
May God bless you in your efforts to serve him in your own unique way. Incredible!!
Look foward to hearing more about where and how God leads you.
Christina