As a milkmaid, I have had several people approach me seeking advice. Most want to know the how-to’s behind keeping a family cow. I used to take calls from all over the United States sharing what I didn’t know and what I did wrong with people. I learn the hard way by making ample mistakes. Rarely, do I breeze through an experience unscathed. So, generally when I share advice with people, I share from the perspective of mistakes. Callers were always gracious thanking me for spending time with them on the phone.

Recently, a friend asked me for advice regarding their family cow. “Is the book ‘Keeping a Family Cow’ a good book?” I affirmed it was a good book for starters. The next question caught me off guard. “Got a list of names?  We still don’t know what to call her.” To be honest, no one has ever asked me to help name a cow. Naming a cow is pretty important though.

I warned against naming the cow after the fruit of the spirit. We had Love, Joy, and Amazing Grace. Naming cows after a desired character trait ensures you will get the exact opposite. In fact, it appears that naming cows after the fruit of the spirit means your cow will become demon possessed and that is putting it nicely.

Love, the Holstein cow, was no representation of her name. She was the meanest, most hateful and spiteful cow we had in the herd. My oldest had her hoof in his face and hind end. He still remembers Love to this day with phantom pains to the knee. She kicked him squarely on the knee cap.  Joy, the Holstein, was lethargic and depressed. However, she gave Andrew a kick when he gave her a shot for arthritis. Despite her leg wound, she sent a lightening bolt like strike to Andrew’s hind end when he inserted the needle. He was at her head when she kicked. Amazing Grace was by far, the cow I despised the most. She was senseless, gawky, ruthless and stubborn. On more than one occasion, I had to use self-control to keep from shooting her.

When naming a milk cow, keep in mind, that you have the right to change the name upon further experience with the animal. Upon moving to Missouri, I encountered a black cow which apparently was a Holstein Angus cross. The children named her Obsidian. After a month, we changed it to Obstinate. When she tore apart the milk barn and overturned the hot water heater she became Nightmare. Ultimately, she was named Hamburger. She went to the meat packers after that incident.

Since we have had such bad experiences naming cows after character traits, we stick with names from a baby name book. We never tried reverse psychology. Perhaps, naming a cow Attitude, Spite, or Knot Head would give you a sweet tempered cow.

Udderly His,

The Kansas Milkmaid